Guys. How good is guacamole? Like so good. Guacamole is more delicious than ten tiny tin dragon statuettes used for table top gaming. I’m serious here.

My constant dilemma, throughout the course of my entire life, has been that store bought gucamole is teh sux. This was compounded by the fact that no human being could possible fabricate this ambrosia with the mere sweat of their brow (and presumably avocados).

Well imagine my surprise when, just like roasting a red pepper, guacamole is embarrassing simple. I’m going to give you two recipes here, below is the first:

• Avocados

Cut the avocado in half, remove the seed, and scoop the flesh into a bowl. Mash up the avocados with a fork. THAT IS IT. The ancient Mexican secret of guacamole has been unearthed from the equatorial bowels of Mexico.

Or you can be insane and follow this guacamole authentico recipe. It is trés authentico.

• 4 ripe avocados, peeled, seeded
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1 ripe, medium Roma tomato, seeded, diced — i used a handful of cherry tomatoes
• 1/2 cup minced sweet white onion
• as much jalapeño as you feel comfortable with — i used 1/4 of a pepper
• 4 Tbsp fresh lime juice
• salt and pepper

I also added:

• so much garlic I thought I would die (5-10 tsp)

Mash all this up in a bowl and you’ve got delicious guacamole. Again, as is the theme with stuff I make, this recipe is extremely forgiving. Just throw in what you have laying around or what moves you.

WIU data

• Was the recipe easy to follow: This is easier than Suze’s pancakes. Don’t listen to her. SHE IS A LIAR.
• Did the dish taste good: Of course! Avocados are the gods’ ovaries. How could they not taste good. Furthermore how could any of their byproducts not taste good?
• Would you make it again: Yes, yes, and yes. I wish I had an avocado tree so bad.

Pancakes are kind of like dessert, only it’s a main course and you eat it in the morning. So therefore, since these guys paled in comparison to the dessert I did make this week, and since whole wheat pancakes are much more applicable to this blog than Peach-Cornmeal Upside Down Cake, Whip It Up is getting pancakes this time.

My friend Tasneem came to visit (more like “blew into town”) and said “Tomorrow for brunch we need to make these whole wheat pancakes I found on CooksIllustrated.com.” Cook’s Illustrated Dot Com is the best $19.95 I spend all year. It’s like a giant database of amazing stuff from America’s Test Kitchen. Everything is tested within an inch of its life and a lot of it is pretty easy to make.

So while Tasneem slept peacefully on my couch on Saturday morning, I made these pancakes, and she ate them.

Whole Wheat Pancakes
(copied faithfully from Cook’s Illustrated. I didn’t need to change a thing)

Note: I used my powdered buttermilk blend instead of going to the store to buy regular buttermilk, and it was fantastic.

(Cook’s Illustrated’s pithy comments begin now:)

1. Mix dry ingredients in medium bowl. Pour buttermilk and milk into 2-cup Pyrex measuring cup. Whisk in egg white; mix yolk with melted butter, then stir into milk mixture. Dump wet ingredients into dry ingredients all at once; whisk until just mixed.

2. Meanwhile, heat griddle or large skillet over strong medium-high heat. Brush griddle generously with oil. When water splashed on surface confidently sizzles, pour batter, about 1/4 cup at a time, onto griddle, making sure not to overcrowd. When pancake bottoms are brown and top surface starts to bubble, 2 to 3 minutes, flip cakes and cook until remaining side has browned, 1 to 2 minutes longer. Re-oil the skillet and repeat for the next batch of pancakes.

WIU data:

• Was the recipe easy to follow: You mix one thing and then add another. It could not be easier.
• Did the dish taste good: Delicious, topped with some FOR REAL maple syrup. (The People should never ever buy FOR FAKE maple syrup).
• Would you make it again: I want to make it every day.

Alas veggie burgers. Why do veggie burgers always have the consistency of toothpaste? In my ongoing quest to force my wife to consume mushroom and like it I started with this recipe as a base for my veggie burgers. I added a bunch of crap in there so hopefully preggo would consume some nutrients and not know it. Let the story begin.

Here is the base recipe:

• 1 onion, diced
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 tsp cumin
• 3/4 cup diced fresh mushrooms
• 1 15 ounce can black beans
• salt and pepper to taste

To this I added:

• A couple of carrots
• Green pepper

Take everything but the beans and throw it in a food processor. Sautee the mixture in a pan with some olive oil until it gets soft — something like 5-8 minutes.

Meanwhile, thow the beans into the food process and mush them up good. Hey, here is somethign I always do: drain and wash the beans in a collander. I hate the way black bean juice turns everything purple. Once you’ve got the bean paste ready and the veggies soft mix them together into a SUPER BEAN PASTE.

Take the mush, form into patties and pan fry in some olive oil for a couple minutes — until you feel like they’re solid enough to take out of the pan. And therein lies the problem: veggies burgers are always so toothpasty. Sigh. I put some avocados on mine because I am addicted to avocados. Strictly optional.

WIU data:

• Was the recipe easy to follow: Yes, yes it was. Basically you need beans and vegetables mixed together. You could use practically anything. It would be incredibly hard to screw this up.
• Did the dish taste good: eh. I mean it was ok, it is really the consistency that is an issue. Next time I think I would add eggs and some bread crumbs. I’ve got to find a way to STABILIZE THE MIXTURE.
• Would you make it again: Definitely. I am on a quest to make a veggie burger that you couldn’t squeeze out of a tube.

It’s like midnightish on Saturday, so this will show up on Sunday, but it I’m hoping RA and co. won’t get all heavy on me. I made this on Friday! I just had to guest star on a Bryan Adams cover track all day in a recording studio! NO JOKE! My life is actually that awesome!

Anyhow, Ross and I had a pasta party, as he mentioned, where our spouses humored our enthusiasm (well, Ross’s enthusiasm and my natural bossiness) and waited until 10pm to eat delicious fresh pasta, AS PICTURED:

As you can see, the spouses were well-pleased.

OK but my real recipe entry for Whip It Up is Tiramisu Cookies!

Recipe below copied directly from MarthaStewart.com (cookie of the month, May 2008) with my customizations in italics!

These cookies involve all the best parts of tiramisu — ladyfingers, espresso, chocolate, mascarpone cheese (the most widely-mispronounced cheese in all of cheesedom), and amaretto. And my slipshod success with them reassures me that no matter how much I enjoy making fun of Martha’s dubious grasp on reality, her instructions are pretty sound. I’m a seasoned baker, but I rushed through this recipe so that I could pay more attention to Hellboy, which my husband and I were watching on DVD. A less experienced pastry bag wielder should take their time. And by time, I mean like a hundred hours, because that’s how long these cookies took to make. In fact, just go get some Newman-Os and call it a day.

So Suze and I have joined this cooking contest, Whip it Up, right? Just to make sure we excessively dominate each week we decided to start off BIG. GO BIG OR GO HOME. Last night we got together with the spouses and made pasta, like with our hands. And an old timey machine. Filled with mysterious gears.

Making pasta really isn’t hard and only requires a little bit time more time. Although, it’s definitely something to do when you have a bunch of people lying around — you’ll need the extra hands. The end result was light and delicate and really quite good. But onto my WIU submission from the evening:

Arugula (and basil (with walnuts)) pesto

Now, hey. I tripled (and modified) this recipe I found over at Simply Recipes. Since I am awesome I took the extra pesto and put it in an ice cube tray in the freezer. I’LL NEVER HAVE TO COOK DINNER AGAIN. So just be aware, if you are making pesto for a group of people less than an army, you might want to halve or even third the quantities.

• 3 cups basil
• 3 cups arugula
• 1.5 cups grated Parmesan
• 1.5 cups walnuts
• 15 - 20 cloves of garlic (depending on how manly you are)
• 1.5 cups olive oil (of the evoo variety)

Arugula isn’t for everyone. You could easily substitute and go 100% basil. My arugula this week was from my awesome CSA and, for some reason, was pretty pungent and a little bit bitter. So I decided to go halvsies with sweet basil.

First toast the garlic in its peel (aka put the garlic in a pan with a tiny bit of oil on med/med-low) until you feel like the garlic is pretty soft throughout, you don’t want to burn it though. This will help sweeten the pesto and get rid of some of bite from the garlic. I think if you were feeling up to it you could actually roast the garlic in the oven. After that dump the garlic in a bowl and peel it.

Next toast the walnuts. Seriously I don’t think this is necessary. I mean it might be — toasted sesame seeds are like 100x better than non-toasted.  Up to you.

Next get out your big food processor. Suze had one that blew my mind. Put the leaves, walnuts, and garlic into the processor and “pulse” it while you add in the olive oil. Pulse away until you are comfortable with the consistency — it should be nice and thick. Add the cheese and pulse a couple more times and you are done.

I threw some cherry tomatoes on the top which were excellent. I recommend you do the same.

WIU

• Was the recipe easy to follow: yeah definitely. The recipe, as you can see, is really flexible and ripe for adjusting. Also the whole thing took probably 15-20min. Depending on how far you want to go with toasting the various things you could cut 10mins.
• Did the dish taste good: yes. It was a good idea to cut the arugula. The pesto was fantastically peppery so I can only imagine what it would have been like at 100%.
• Would you make it again: sure — but I won’t be making it for a while now that I’ve got loads in my freezer.

I can never stop talking about the American Heart Association’s Low-Calorie Cookbook. I’ve been systematically making every single thing I can from it for about a year. You should make this. It is healthy and good and you won’t have heart attacks

Ginger Chicken with Whole Wheat Spaghetti and Green Beans
copied with my notes from the American Heart Association’s Low-Calorie Cookbook

serves 4; 1.5 cups per serving

Ingredients
1 pound boneless, skinless chicken breasts, all visible fat removed
for marinade:
3 Tablespoons low-sodium soy sauce
3 Tablespoons dry sherry or 2 Tablespoons white wine vinegar (I used 2T of sherry vinegar - booya!)
2 teaspoons sugar
1 teaspoon minced peeled gingerroot

4 ounces dried whole-wheat spaghetti
2 teaspoons toasted sesame oil (I used toasted sesame chili oil and it added some heat)
2 cups frozen no-salt-added grean beans (I used french cut - much crisper)
2 medium green onions (green and white parts), thinly sliced
1/2 teaspoon grated orange zest (if you don’t feel like buying an orange, you can leave this part out)

Cut the chicken into thin strips about 2 inches long. Put the chicken in an airtight plastic bag or glass baking dish. Add the marinade ingredients.

Seal the bag and turn to coat, or stir chicken and marinade together in dish, cover with plastic wrap, and refrigerate for 15 minutes to 8 hours, turning occasionally.

Prepare the spaghetti using the package directions, omitting the salt and oil. Drain well. Return the spaghetti to the pot and stir in the sesame oil. Cover and set aside.

Meanwhile, cook the beans using the package directions, omitting the salt and margarine. Stir the beans into the spaghetti.

Heat a nonstick wok or large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Cook the chicken and marinade for 2-3 minutes, or until the chicken is no longer pink in the center, stirring constantly. Cook for 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Stir in the spaghetti mixture, green onions, and orange zest. Cook for about 3 minutes, or until most of the liquid has evaporated and forms a glaze on the chicken, stirring occasionally.

I threw some parsley and red chili pepper flakes, and I can’t say anyone complained.

The best part about having a famous blogger wife is picking through her widely cast net of electronic friends and finding people that are surprisingly awesome. RA, of Definitely RA, is … definitely awesome? Anyway, food blog, let’s focus here people.

The titular host of Definitely RA is hosting an eight week food/cooking contest in which participants cook a new dish each week and submit posts (with pictures!) for judgement. The winners of the contest will be awarded with eternal life glory, honor, and cook books.

As cooking and contesting are both things in which we regularly participate, Suze and myself have entered TPN into Whip it good! We plan on masticating the competition.

If you have anything you’d like us to try just drop us a comment.

Aside

My local CSA harvest continues to reign supreme. This week I got:

• Potatoes
• Tomatoes(!)
• Broccoli
• Lettuce
• A green pepper

So I’m thinking something with cheese + broccoli + potatoes sounds delicious. I’ll see what I can come up with — UNLESS YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS INTERNETS!?

Tofu looks disgusting. See:

Let’s be honest, pressing coagulated soybean curds into a lumpy misshapen block is never going to yield something worth looking at. But, luckily, just like anything else: add some green things, cover it with enough sauce, and you’ve got something deliciously appetizing — to both eye and tongue (just like your mom!).

Two good things about tofu

First, tofu is “chock full” of protein. Using the bad ass Nutrition Data website you’ll see that tofu is about 16% protein. Compare that to chicken breast which is 31% protein. Not too bad for a block of mush that sits in a bin of liquid at Ellwood Thompson.

Second, tofu is cheap, dawg. At Ellwood Thompson — where tofu lives in the aforementioned tub of fluid — the stuff goes for 1.29$/lb. Try to get the flesh of a dead animal for that price. I DARE YOU UNLESS IT IS HORSE OR MAYBE A DOG.

One bad thing about tofu

Tofu might give men dementia?

A mildly simple recipe involving tofu

Things you’ll need:

• 2 teaspoons cornstartch
• 1 1/2 tablespoons rice vinegar (or any vinegar at all)
• 2 tablespoons rice wine (or white wine)
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• a bunch of broccoli
• some tofu

Mix everything but the tofu and broccoli together in a bowl. Cut up the tofu into whatever shape you find appealing — I like long skinny pieces. Cut up the broccoli in pieces small enough to fit in your mouth. Dump all of the tofu into your bowl and make sure to coat each piece with the sauce.

Put about a table spoon of olive oil (or however much looks right) in the bottom of a pan. If you’re feeling crazy throw some minced garlic in there. Now dump the tofu in and pan fry that bitch until it starts to get brown (about 5-10mins). Once you are thoroughly satisfied with the brownness of your tofu add the broccoli and the rest of the sauce. You did keep the sauce didn’t you?

BE VIGILANT!

The sauce, due to the cornstarch, will star to thicken instantly. Stir everything around to coat it with the now thickening and bubbling sauce — try not to break up the tofu. After the broccoli is cooked to you’re liking, your done.

Easy enough.

I don’t know why smoothies have to sound so infantile. There are many demographics that enjoy a delicious berry smoothie other than those that take a dump in their pants. I quite enjoy them and haven’t shat my pants for quite some time now.

JSYK, you’re going to need a blender.

Smoothies are so incredibly easy — if you thought hummus was a snap, folks, hold on to your proverbial and/or literal hats. The logistics of these things are so facile that I’m a bit embarrassed to type them out:

Blueberry banana smoothie

• 1 cup plain yogurt
• 1 cup blueberries (frozen is fine)
• 1 banana
• a handful of ice cubes

Throw the stuff in a blender and hit the button. That’s it, you are done. Enjoy. The above quantities will yield about two gin and tonics worth of smoothie.

Now that you’ve got the basics down feel free to improvise. Example: I like to put a quarter can of frozen OJ into the mix or a couple squirts of lemon juice to make things a little tangier. The possibilities are only limited by the contents of your nearest grocery store. Try raspberries, cherries, peaches, cream, honey, wheat germ, protein powder, ice cream, peanut butter, grapes, or beer (j/k?).

In conclusion smoothies are super duper.

No! Not chocolate chip cookies! Meringue cookies are what the People need! They are easy, cheap, and this recipe’s cookies only have 23 calories each!

23 calories!!

Do you understand how little that is? That is like a carrot stick. Sure, they are empty calories that don’t do anything for you at all, but either something like this is around the house, or your resistant “I’m used to buying packaged crap” significant others will buy something that is sure to give you cancer. Plus, we’re in a recession, jeez. Why pay to get cancer?*

MOCHA-CHIP MERINGUES from the “light” issue of Everyday Food (Jan/Feb 2008)

These took no time to get together, and if you bake at all, you will have this stuff in the house, with the exception of maybe the instant espresso powder, but hey get rid of it if you want, then you’ll just have chocolate-chocolate-chip meringues, and that sounds good to me too. Unfortunately, a stand mixer might be necessary.

makes about three dozen

Ingredients:

1/4 c. sugar
1 Tablespoon cornstarch
3 large egg whites, room temperature (don’t cheat on this part)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon instant espresso powder
2 Tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup (approx) semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper, set aside.

2. In a small bowl, whisk together sugar and cornstarch, set aside.

3. In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to beat egg whites and salt(with the whisk attachment if you’re using a KitchenAid) on medium speed until very frothy. Beating constantly, add sugar mixture 1 tablespoon at a time. Beat until stiff, glossy peaks form, 6 to 8 minutes total (scrape down the bowl halfway through). [This took me a lot longer, but I think it’s because I put the sugar in too soon.]

4. Add espresso powder and cocoa, beat until well blended. With a rubber spatula, fold in chocolate chips.

5. Drop batter in rough tablespoon sizes onto prepared sheets. Martha and company have perfect little half domes, but they cheated and piped it with a pastry bag, I can tell. Who cares how they look, they will be eaten in like five seconds.

6. Bake until crisp, about 40 minutes, rotating sheets halfway through. Cool completely on sheets, about 20 minutes.

Store them in a container. Just do it.

(Not the People’s cookie.)

*I don’t actually know that Fig Newtons will give you cancer, but they are so delicious and artificial tasting, that they are probably not great for you somehow.