Alas veggie burgers. Why do veggie burgers always have the consistency of toothpaste? In my ongoing quest to force my wife to consume mushroom and like it I started with this recipe as a base for my veggie burgers. I added a bunch of crap in there so hopefully preggo would consume some nutrients and not know it. Let the story begin.

Here is the base recipe:

• 1 onion, diced
• 1 clove garlic, minced
• 1/2 tsp cumin
• 3/4 cup diced fresh mushrooms
• 1 15 ounce can black beans
• salt and pepper to taste

To this I added:

• A couple of carrots
• Green pepper

Take everything but the beans and throw it in a food processor. Sautee the mixture in a pan with some olive oil until it gets soft — something like 5-8 minutes.

Meanwhile, thow the beans into the food process and mush them up good. Hey, here is somethign I always do: drain and wash the beans in a collander. I hate the way black bean juice turns everything purple. Once you’ve got the bean paste ready and the veggies soft mix them together into a SUPER BEAN PASTE.

Take the mush, form into patties and pan fry in some olive oil for a couple minutes — until you feel like they’re solid enough to take out of the pan. And therein lies the problem: veggies burgers are always so toothpasty. Sigh. I put some avocados on mine because I am addicted to avocados. Strictly optional.

WIU data:

• Was the recipe easy to follow: Yes, yes it was. Basically you need beans and vegetables mixed together. You could use practically anything. It would be incredibly hard to screw this up.
• Did the dish taste good: eh. I mean it was ok, it is really the consistency that is an issue. Next time I think I would add eggs and some bread crumbs. I’ve got to find a way to STABILIZE THE MIXTURE.
• Would you make it again: Definitely. I am on a quest to make a veggie burger that you couldn’t squeeze out of a tube.

This is the single best thing I buy at the store each week: a giant box of baby spinach. Each week hundreds of spinach babies are plucked from life, from their mother’s leafy wombs, and packed into a cold plastic coffin destined to my refrigerator. From there I consume their pure stainless souls.

Take note, this is a different product than the frozen rectangular prisms of spinach you may be used to buying.

Four excellent things about baby spinach in a box

• This stuff keeps forever, literally. No, not literally, figuratively. But still, it keeps in my fridge for about a week. When was the last time a mere bag of leafy greens kept that long?
• Spinach is a superfood! — whatever that means! Listen, The People, I am not a nutritionist or a dietitianist. I do, however, know several and hope that when I say something stupid they will mock me until I cry. Regardless, NutritionData.com can drop some spinach knowledge on you. Spinach is great at: Vitamin A, Vitamin C, and iron. Iceberg lettuce sucks at everything.
• It is, relatively, cheap! A box, depending on the sales at Kroger, costs between three and four dollars.
• The box it comes in is made from corn? This actually might be terrible considering … [insert boring corn/ethanol diatribe].

The uses for that box of spinach are innumerable, countless, infinite! I use a good bit of it making side salads to go with our meals: spinach, walnuts, cheese, raisins, balsamic vinegar. You can also substitute spinach for anything calling for crappy ol’ lettuce. Or, just throw it in whatever you’ve got going on in your skillet, it’ll cook down and taste delicious.

Tofu looks disgusting. See:

Let’s be honest, pressing coagulated soybean curds into a lumpy misshapen block is never going to yield something worth looking at. But, luckily, just like anything else: add some green things, cover it with enough sauce, and you’ve got something deliciously appetizing — to both eye and tongue (just like your mom!).

Two good things about tofu

First, tofu is “chock full” of protein. Using the bad ass Nutrition Data website you’ll see that tofu is about 16% protein. Compare that to chicken breast which is 31% protein. Not too bad for a block of mush that sits in a bin of liquid at Ellwood Thompson.

Second, tofu is cheap, dawg. At Ellwood Thompson — where tofu lives in the aforementioned tub of fluid — the stuff goes for 1.29$/lb. Try to get the flesh of a dead animal for that price. I DARE YOU UNLESS IT IS HORSE OR MAYBE A DOG.

One bad thing about tofu

Tofu might give men dementia?

A mildly simple recipe involving tofu

Things you’ll need:

• 2 teaspoons cornstartch
• 1 1/2 tablespoons rice vinegar (or any vinegar at all)
• 2 tablespoons rice wine (or white wine)
• 3 tablespoons sugar
• 3 tablespoons soy sauce
• a bunch of broccoli
• some tofu

Mix everything but the tofu and broccoli together in a bowl. Cut up the tofu into whatever shape you find appealing — I like long skinny pieces. Cut up the broccoli in pieces small enough to fit in your mouth. Dump all of the tofu into your bowl and make sure to coat each piece with the sauce.

Put about a table spoon of olive oil (or however much looks right) in the bottom of a pan. If you’re feeling crazy throw some minced garlic in there. Now dump the tofu in and pan fry that bitch until it starts to get brown (about 5-10mins). Once you are thoroughly satisfied with the brownness of your tofu add the broccoli and the rest of the sauce. You did keep the sauce didn’t you?

BE VIGILANT!

The sauce, due to the cornstarch, will star to thicken instantly. Stir everything around to coat it with the now thickening and bubbling sauce — try not to break up the tofu. After the broccoli is cooked to you’re liking, your done.

Easy enough.

I don’t know why smoothies have to sound so infantile. There are many demographics that enjoy a delicious berry smoothie other than those that take a dump in their pants. I quite enjoy them and haven’t shat my pants for quite some time now.

JSYK, you’re going to need a blender.

Smoothies are so incredibly easy — if you thought hummus was a snap, folks, hold on to your proverbial and/or literal hats. The logistics of these things are so facile that I’m a bit embarrassed to type them out:

Blueberry banana smoothie

• 1 cup plain yogurt
• 1 cup blueberries (frozen is fine)
• 1 banana
• a handful of ice cubes

Throw the stuff in a blender and hit the button. That’s it, you are done. Enjoy. The above quantities will yield about two gin and tonics worth of smoothie.

Now that you’ve got the basics down feel free to improvise. Example: I like to put a quarter can of frozen OJ into the mix or a couple squirts of lemon juice to make things a little tangier. The possibilities are only limited by the contents of your nearest grocery store. Try raspberries, cherries, peaches, cream, honey, wheat germ, protein powder, ice cream, peanut butter, grapes, or beer (j/k?).

In conclusion smoothies are super duper.

No! Not chocolate chip cookies! Meringue cookies are what the People need! They are easy, cheap, and this recipe’s cookies only have 23 calories each!

23 calories!!

Do you understand how little that is? That is like a carrot stick. Sure, they are empty calories that don’t do anything for you at all, but either something like this is around the house, or your resistant “I’m used to buying packaged crap” significant others will buy something that is sure to give you cancer. Plus, we’re in a recession, jeez. Why pay to get cancer?*

MOCHA-CHIP MERINGUES from the “light” issue of Everyday Food (Jan/Feb 2008)

These took no time to get together, and if you bake at all, you will have this stuff in the house, with the exception of maybe the instant espresso powder, but hey get rid of it if you want, then you’ll just have chocolate-chocolate-chip meringues, and that sounds good to me too. Unfortunately, a stand mixer might be necessary.

makes about three dozen

Ingredients:

1/4 c. sugar
1 Tablespoon cornstarch
3 large egg whites, room temperature (don’t cheat on this part)
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon instant espresso powder
2 Tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 cup (approx) semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper, set aside.

2. In a small bowl, whisk together sugar and cornstarch, set aside.

3. In a large bowl, use an electric mixer to beat egg whites and salt(with the whisk attachment if you’re using a KitchenAid) on medium speed until very frothy. Beating constantly, add sugar mixture 1 tablespoon at a time. Beat until stiff, glossy peaks form, 6 to 8 minutes total (scrape down the bowl halfway through). [This took me a lot longer, but I think it’s because I put the sugar in too soon.]

4. Add espresso powder and cocoa, beat until well blended. With a rubber spatula, fold in chocolate chips.

5. Drop batter in rough tablespoon sizes onto prepared sheets. Martha and company have perfect little half domes, but they cheated and piped it with a pastry bag, I can tell. Who cares how they look, they will be eaten in like five seconds.

6. Bake until crisp, about 40 minutes, rotating sheets halfway through. Cool completely on sheets, about 20 minutes.

Store them in a container. Just do it.

(Not the People’s cookie.)

*I don’t actually know that Fig Newtons will give you cancer, but they are so delicious and artificial tasting, that they are probably not great for you somehow.